The Answer Men

December 18, 2003

--Posted by The Professional Ass Kicker @ 21:54 PST.

Question: I'm planning on going to a nude beach for the first time. Any advice I should keep in mind?-Thanh Nguyen

Answer: First things first, buddy. It's not going to be quite what you expect. I'm sure that you're imagining that there will be plenty of barely legal young girly girls bouncing around splashing water at each other. That's just not going to happen. The true situation is that you're probably going to bump into your mom there with that nice man from the meat market who's always offering your mom some "Genuine I-talian tube-steak". They'll be walking around in their putrid oldness with their dusty giblits bouncing around in a sort of hypnotizing way. Only disgusting perverts go to nude beaches. But hey, if you feel the need to do this as some sort of right of passage in becoming a man, go for it. Just be sure that if for some crazy reason some hot chick ends up there, like some hole in the space time continuum or something, don't go into the cold ass, nipply water. It can only go bad from there. I mean you're probably already pretty small as it is.

--Posted by Riposte101 @ 21:55 PST.

It's ok if you want to go into the cold water. Just remember to rub furiously before getting out.

October 25, 2003

--Posted by Riposte101 @ 18:15 PST.

What have you guys been doing? Where are the updates? You guys are weaksauce!
-Daniel Montoya
I’ve been busy with work, and school. And I think Kenshiroking is busy lying, stealing, cheating and punching infants.

Hey Daniel son,
Yep, no updates. I've mostly been sitting around trying to think of how I can get somebody else to do the work for me. I figured I could pay them like two dollars an hour plus tips. Isn't it cool that can you just pay somebody whatever you want if you just say it's "plus tips"? I'd just put a tip jar on the person’s desk. Dude, I'm a genius! So, uh, yeah. If any of you out there wanna get paid good money talking out of your ass contact me. We can discuss salary in the interview. Just make the subject Snufaluphogous.
Thanks guys.
-the Professional

You see, in order to write reviews about stuff, you have to go out and do the stuff first. It takes time to listen to all those CDs, watch all those movies, play all those video games, read all those books, endlessly waste time finding internet links, go to strip clu... oh wait that's the other site I do reviews for. Anyway, new stuff should be up soon.

I've had an addiction problem and so I had to seek help. My woman pulled me away from my TV... one of the saddest moments in my life. I was going through rehab... Thanks a lot Dan, for reminding me about my FUCKING ADDICTION, you numb nuts! Otherwise, I could have lived my FUCKING PATHETIC LIFE in peace!
-Crimson Wake

Daniel, who the fuck cares what we've been doing? Get off our dicks u fag, u want updates? I got an update for u: "Daniel needs to get a god damn life and stop spending so much time worrying about the Limitless Units studs that he fantasizes about and furiously masturbates to."

As the member of the LU staff that has the reputation as being the most reliable, I think it only fair that I take another week to answer this question.

September 22, 2003

--Posted by The Professional Ass Kicker & Riposte101 @ 22:21 PST.

Dear Answer Men,
I'm 14 years old and I really dig this girl, but she doesn't know I'm alive. What can I do?
Kyle Smiths

I don't know how to answer your question because when I was 14, I’d blow it all over my G.I. Joe boxers if a girl touched my arm by mistake and KenshiroKing still does. So I'll forward this to Kicker and see what he has to say about it.


Hey Kyle, seems like you need to get noticed. I've got a few ideas that might help you out. First off you should try stuffing something in your crotch area like a sock or a bratwurst. Whenever it is that you see her, you should do things to draw attention to your new huge dong. You could try "accidentally" rubbing it on her arm or the back of her head. Another thing that girls enjoy is a man who's very blunt. You should say something like: "Hey girl, I know you want this." or "Get over here!" I tell you man, that works every time for me. If that doesn't work just punch her. I hope that helps you out with getting a little poontang. (I swear girls can be so stingy with that stuff.) You just gotta know how to butter 'em up. You can write me back with all your gratitude when you get some.
Your pal,


September 15, 2003

--Posted by Innovasian @ 11:12 PST.

Hey there Nova,
I was just looking over the site and I was wondering what it is you do on it. I see your name here and there in some comments you make, but that's about it. It says that you are part of the Art Department, but all I see there is the Ass Kicker's stuff. What's the deal?
Kristy Elkins

I'm glad you brought that up Kristy. You see, when you're at the top of the pyramid as I am you have people working FOR you... hence Riposte, Ass Licker, and whoever else contributes to the site, I can't remember all their names but you get my point. Let me put it in layman's terms so you can wrap your small mind around it. Let's say u go to Sav-on Drugs for your personal needs, you're not going to see the owner/CEO Mr. Sav-on bagging up your herpies cream and yeast infection e-z bake bread oven, or if you go into Bestbuy, you're not going to see Mr. Bestbuy at the checkout counter ringing up your softcore porno DVDs and Latin booty bass CDs.

I just make a few cameo appearances here and there on the website to keep my fans happy because quite frankly, if it weren’t for me, you would have probably never heard of this site; you'd probably be on some site.

I'm kind of like Brak on Space Ghost Coast 2 Coast. He doesn't appear on the show regularly, but when he does it makes the show that much more special.

I hope that answers your question. I don't need to get my hands dirty when I have my goons Ass Licker, Riposte, etc...working for me.


P.S. I'm also chronically lazy.

September 13, 2003

--Posted by The Professional Ass Kicker @ 18:00 PST.

hey kicker, what the fuck are u talking bout there is no major in the universy of iowa call kicking ass, are u a gay? my brother goes to universty of iowa and i know there is not a kicking ass majore u faget. professionals wrestling is not real either, u believe everything u here on tv are u retarded? go to hell and die if u think that, everything u say is lies or maybe your just stupd fuck u piss me off. maybe u should go read a books on art before u talk about famos artist being street fighetrs, omg u arre soooo gaaaaay. go have sex with a gay man u gayyyy!
-Ken Nicholas

Hey there Kenny-liscious,
Well, for starters, your brother is obviously full of shit. I heard from a very reliable source that there is an Ass Kicking major available. His name is Larry, and he said he read it in a magazine or something. But there's only one-way to settle this argument: I say we arm wrestle for it. The loser is obviously wrong because the Lord Jesus Christ will bestow whoever is telling the truth with super-human strength.

I don't know where you get your information from Kenster. You must be pulling this out of somebody's ass. Wrestling is 110% real. The extra ten percent is because it's just that real. I mean, don't you see these guys bleeding? They don't start bleeding from not hitting each other in the mouth with steel chairs. I wanna slap you, that's how homosexually stupid you are.

Oh, and I did read a book on art just yesterday it was called the "Art of Ken Nicholas: A Pussy Who Doesn't Want To Arm Wrestle Because He Doesn't Have The Power of Jesus Behind Him."

Good to hear from you Ken,


September 9, 2003

--Posted by Riposte101 @ 13:36 PST.

Hey there Answer man,
Answer me this:
Who gives a shit about your DVD collection?! And what's the deal with that Kenshiroking? Tell him I hate him.
-Robert England
San Antonio Tx.

Bob, good point about the DVDs, I’ll post my list of beta tapes instead.

Kenshiroking is an asshole. You show good taste by hating him. He’s my worst enemy. But the asshat’s easily duped out of his cash, which is why I keep him around.

And by the way, I told KenshiroKing that you hate him. He broke down crying in his momma’s lap. Then he killed a pig and ate it.


September 5, 2003

--Posted by Innovasian @ 07:37 PST.

Hey Nova, If you know so much about art, then tell me what you know about DeVinci? You one eyball, sombrero wearing fuck.

No thank you,
Ron Mercier

P.S. Carrot Top Sucks.

Ron, first of all its "da Vinci" not deVinci stupid fuck. Leonardo da Vinci was some wop who lived thousands of years ago in Italy, before they invented the mafia and inspired Super Mario Bros. He was a brilliant artist and inventor, some of his famous paintings include the "Mona Lisa" and "Dogs Playing Poker." He also invented lots of useful crap like the parachute and the swedish penis pump. He had blueprints for primative versions of the submarine, helicopter, tank and the Lamborghini Diablo. Consider yourself enlightened, now leave me alone I gotta go do my Tae Bo exercises.

P.S. Carrot Top does suck, but not as much as your grandma when she takes off her dentures... ah memories.

June 25, 2003

--Posted by Riposte101 @ 00:01 PST.

So why don't Bruce Banner's trademark purple pants explode off his body when he becomes the Hulk?


Well Anonymous, as it is according by Paul Horn: Hulk's pants must be made of a special spandex/hemp blend. Spandex has the ability to stretch 500% beyond its relaxed state, and hemp is the strongest natural fiber on the planet. It's theorized that the gamma-radiation aura that emanates from Banner when he transforms into the Hulk interacts with the purple dye in the fabric...but only in areas that have direct contact with his skin. That's why his pants only shred from the knees down. I hope that that was a satisfactory answer.