January 29, 2003

Now Here's What I'm Talking About

--Posted by Crimson Wake @ 20:54 PST.

Now let's see what spawned from the loins of Reality TV. Through the years of researching Reality TV in American culture we've all seen the competitions Survivor, Big Brother, the Bachelor and so forth. However, as I was saying these shows just didn't make me feel as though I was riveted to my seat, because as everyone should know by now, I wanted to see blood… or at least a grown man cry. Along comes a reality show called Hurt Bert. The following is an account of how I stumbled upon the show.

I was bored Saturday night when I got home at around 1 or 2 in the morning, when I turned on the tube to check what was on. As I flicked through the channels mindlessly, along came a scene of pure shock! He was sitting on a medical table and a lady clad in black whipped him in the crotch area, I grimaced at the sight. Oddly though, as sadistic as it was I could change the channel. I flinched every time the whip struck his flesh, and I shuddered as I felt his pain. WHO WOULD SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO THIS PUNISHMENT!? It was none other than a comedian named Bert Kreischer, of the reality series Hurt Bert. This show is one for the sadists out there. Where else can a person watch a fellow human being be subjected to voluntary torture? In between the segments you have Bert trying to entertain us with such acts as inducing himself to vomit or trying to make himself cry. Man, was this guy ever pathetic.

Anyways, remember how I was ranting about how American TV has really let me down? This comedian's other exploits include swimming with a great white shark and letting a guy throw knives at him. Man this show was hilarious to me, just because… well…I'm a sadistic bastard that wants to honestly see someone's stupidity get repaid by getting hurt. Well the show comes on my favorite channel at this time, the FX channel, as a part of the channel's already great library.

I don't understand why this guy commits himself to this show… he like seriously gets injured. In one of the shows I saw, he got waxed down south, and that was funny; but it made me realize that men should never even consider doing that in the first place. Man what makes this show so damn funny is how this guy reacts when he is placed in a situation that he can't get out of, because he needs the publicity. I get a chuckle out of the show.

Scale of Awesomeness: Well this show was pretty hilarious, save the awkward moments when you feel genuinely bad for the guy; but then you realize it's his fault that he's lying on the ground writhing in pain. I laughed till I cried and then laughed some more. MUHAHAHAHA! Come on, this guy had it coming. You know it's like when you're watching a horror movie and at the beginning you know whose going to end up dying. So on a scale of 1 to 10, I give this show a 6 on the scale. This is if you can bear to see a grown man cry.

December 23, 2003

Nester (the Long-eared Christmas Donkey)

--Posted by Stray Dog @ 19:05 PST.

Many of you watch children's Christmas specials. I know this because I know a great many things. One of those things is that, as a discerning viewer, you must choose which specials to watch carefully so as not to waste your time. Should you watch Dr. Seuss' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" or should you hold out for the Yogi Bear Christmas? These are important decisions. That is why I am writing this review. To make one of those decisions for you. I have this power.

The special of which I speak is none other than the Ranston/Bass feltimation special "Nester: the Long-eared Christmas Donkey." The title by itself denotes "instant classic" and with a show attached, the deal is sealed. However, one of the other things that I know is many of you are unfamiliar with this fine piece of cinematography. Therefore, in the interest of science, I shall, ever so humble, take up the mammoth task of putting a masterpiece to paper using as few words as possible.

Nester, as you may have gathered, is a long-eared donkey that lived about 2004 years ago, give or take. The story begins with the narrator, Santa's Donkey (didn't you know that Santa had a donkey? Who would pull his snowplow? Can you not see the logic in this, fools?!), voiced by Roger Miller whom you may remember as the singing gamecock in Disney's Robin Hood. Since Christmas is his night off, he begins to tell the story of his ancient ancestor, Nestor (the Long-eared Christmas Donkey). You see Nestor (the Long-eared Christmas Donkey) was born with long ears. Consequently, the other barn yard animals take it upon themselves to torment the little donkey with taunts like "hey, nice ears," and "my, those are some long ears you have there." Animals can be so cruel. On top of this, Nester (the Long-eared Christmas Donkey) keeps tripping over his ears. His mother still loves him, despite his aural abominations, and steals the farmer's wife's long, old socks to keep his ears warm. Lucky for Nester (the Long-eared Christmas Donkey), he didn't have a long nose or this story might end with him gagging on the stench of old woman's socks.

Any who, a Roman soldier shows up and needs to buy all the donkeys. But no sooner does he see Nester then he feels that he has been cheated and takes the other donkey for free but leaves Nester. Besides being damaging to Nester's ego, it upsets the donkey keeper who promptly throws the bedraggled donkey out in the middle of a blizzard. His mother rushes to his rescue and covers him through out the night, sacrificing herself for her son. Nester wakes to find his mother dead (wait a minute, is this a Disney movie?) and sets out on a quest to use his special ears to save the day and honor his fallen mother. With the help of a little cherub named Tilly, who brings to mind QVC for some reason, he does just that. I won't spoil the movie for you but I imagine that I don't really have to. It practically writes itself. To tell you the truth, I really wanted to review the one where Rudolf and some caveman ride on top of a giant talking whale in the south pacific, but no! Mrs. Stray Dog wouldn't let me! She says that the characters freak her out too much. Let this be a lesson to you, kids: if you want to watch your creepy Christmas specials, do it when the Missus isn't around or she'll spoil everything, you weirdo.

Should you watch this timeless classic? Absolutely, but bring a box of tissues. Even though you know what's going to happen, the ending is still a real tearjerker. Those Long-eared Christmas Donkeys are just so darn cute. Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel another sniffle coming on and I hate to cry in front of the paying guests (or you for that matter). Until next time.

December 13, 2003

Sorry Everyone...

--Posted by Crimson Wake @ 23:02 PST.

Wassup ya’ll! Sorry for the lapse in the articles, but you know things have been coming with quickness. I wasn’t in the mood to contribute to the website and I must apologize for not keeping ya’ll informed about the happenings on the good old glow tube. Anyways, down to business...

Well while I ventured out and about around the beautiful state of California, I ran across some interesting TV. I wandered into a Best Western Hotel in Carpenteria, during my stay I was channel surfing and I came across a most interesting show. While watching this show I erupted into laughter man. If ya’ll have cable tune into the FX channel, the show is called People’s Champion. According to the schedule on the FX website, this show comes on around 10PM on Fridays and around 12:30 AM on Saturdays. Anyway the concept of the show is to set these crazy records and people challenge each other to be the people’s champion.

Man, this is one quality show, where else will you get events like the following; chicks racing to remove their bras, people chasing cocks with leaf blowers, naked speed skating. Haha, well as they say on Reading Rainbow, “You don’t have to take my word for it!”

After watching this show I would have to give it a 7 out of 10 on the scale of awesomeness. You get naked chicks in funny situations, however on the downside you also get some naked guys in funny situations. You know what, after a second consideration of the naked guys I give this show a 5 out of 10 on the scale of awesomeness.

Words of a Champion: Who will aspire to be the next PEOPLE’S CHAMPION!? Train hard ya’ll, so you can make LU proud, and participate in the show. However if you lose disavow any affiliations to LU, you loser

December 03, 2003

Fear This

--Posted by Crimson Wake @ 23:05 PST.

Two articles? I'm crazy like that!

What would you do for $25,000? Would you eat live worms, run across burning bridges? What the hell is up with Fear Factor? Let’s give away money to perform stunts in a controlled environment. Hell, I know I would perform stunts if I know stunt coordinators watched over me and made sure I’m safe. Lately when I watch that show I wonder if I could win the money. Probably not since I’m a complete fat fuck, who sits in front of the tube and complains about the lame stunts they do. I want to see blood and gore when they do these stunts damn it! Think how wonderful it would be to see someone get bit by dogs. There’s the real excitement, you know… Americans can learn a thing or two from the Japanese. They fucking torture their contestants.

*Fake Japanese Accent* Ah! Ret us see what happon if we set fiah to people and ret them race for bucket. Rook they run round with hair on FIAH! HAHA! Contestant numba one win, they put out fiah with wahta bucket first.

Yeah, those are some hilarious stunt shows or you have to look at the Japanese obstacle course shows. Man, the contestants get totally beat up. It’s funny watching people get hurt doing stupid stuff (i.e. rolling down a hillside in a giant rice bowl). Where are the American’s who can’t think up this stuff, oh sorry they’re in Hollywood. Thanks Hollywood for falling so far behind in reality TV.

What the hell do we Americans get? A bunch of people stranded on a remote island, whoop di fucking doo. We want carnage and backstabbing man! We want chicks tearing off useless clothes, and guys beating each other senseless with clubs or steel folding chairs. Holy Crap that’s the WWF or whatever the crap they’re called now. The only good realistic reality TV. Man, is wrestling the only real thing on TV?

Anyways enough of this pointless ranting about America’s lame reality contest shows. Wait… I have one more, Big Brother what the hell are you thinking?! Let’s just place people in an enclosed house set and leave them for 6 months and see what they do. You know what would make the show great? Give them a limited supply of food and watch them fight each other for every scrap of food. There, now they earned their million dollars!

Scale of Awesomeness: Hrmm… after careful consideration of the shows I would have to give American reality TV a 4 out of 10 on the scale.

Advice for Winning the Million Dollars on Survivor: Be the real last survivor, butcher everyone that gets in your way and intimidate the others… hahha…you know with death threats or something. Nah, just murder them while they’re sleeping.

October 26, 2003

The Secret of Gummiberry Juice

--Posted by Crimson Wake @ 12:43 PST.

Ah… the days of innocence, I remember when I would come running into the living room every Saturday morning singing the song to the Gummi Bears. We all remember the entire theme song right? Well for those who’ve forgot it went something like this:

Dashing and daring,

Courageous and caring,

Faithful and friendly,

With stories to share.

All through the forest,

They sing out in chorus,

Marching along,

As their song fills the air.


Gummi Bears,

Bouncing here and there and everywhere.

High adventure that's beyond compare,

They are the Gummi Bears.

Magic and mystery,

Are part of their history,

Along with the secret,

Of Gummiberry juice.

Their legend is growing,

They take pride in knowing,

They'll fight for what's right,

In whatever they do.


(Repeat first verse)


Gummi Bears,

When a friend's in danger they'll be there,

Lives and legends that we all can share,

They are the Gummi Bears,

They are the Gummi Bears,

They are the Gummi Bears!

Yeah! Anyways, when you think about Gummiberry juice, it was not that innocent. Yeah it made the Gummi Bears bounce around and manhandle their opponents with their arses. However, when humans drank it, it gave them super human strength. One could say that the entire show was an ad for steroids! Ah, don’t give me any lip about it, think about it whenever Calla or Cavin used the juice what was the next thing they did, throw a fit with trees and stuff. Man they lifted horses and people, like the freaking Hulk. Damn if that wasn’t roid rage at its finest, then I don’t know what else to call it. All in all the show was a landmark in my life; it kept me entertained. Every once in while when I catch it squeezing itself into a TV line up, I’d make time to watch it. It’s still very entertaining.

On a scale of Awesomeness, I’d have to give the Gummi Bears a 7 out of 10. Just because of all the nifty gadgets they had, like the thunder carts, or the hidden spring loaded tree stumps, and who could forget the hidden passages.

Words of Wisdom: Steroids are good for you; they help you pick up horses, people and stuff. So you can knock the beejeezes out of them. Also, it’s only a crime if you get caught, like those sport athletes of the 80’s.

October 13, 2003

PSA… Sex, Drugs, and… umm… SEX!

--Posted by Crimson Wake @ 19:40 PST.

Hey it’s me Crimson Wake again! Today we will touch upon the tricky subject of drugs… remember the good old days of the PSA (public service announcements). Man, growing up in the eighties, who could forget the anti-drugs propaganda. Then you had the nineties with the commercial staring Rachel Leigh Cook. Damn that girl was smoking, but she was one crazy bitch wielding a frying pan. Shit she tore through that kitchen like it was nothing, breaking dishes and what not. However, when she stopped to ask, “any questions,” my jaw hit the ground at how hot she was. DAMN!

Well for one thing those service announcements worked for me. Yup, every time I saw the PSA on my tube I’d stop just to see if it was that crazy frying pan chick. I guess that was the point of those announcements… getting people to watch them; adding Rachel Leigh Cook to get the people to watch was a great idea. I commend the advertisers that decided on doing it. Think of all the countless boys you’ve saved by appealing to their boyhood fantasies. Hahaha… even to this day those ads ring in my ear, reminding me if I use drugs… some psychotic girl with a frying pan is going to whack me upside my head, and if she were as hot as Rachel, I would have to seriously debate on whether or not to let her beat me senseless.

Nevertheless, I give the people who created these PSAs an 8 out of 10 on the awesomeness meter for thinking about how to reach the youth of America. Although probably 8 out of 10 youths in America still tried drugs in their teens, it was a valiant effort.

As with everything there is always room for improvement, and with the Rachel Leigh Cook PSA there could have been more close-up shots of her angry face swinging that frying pan. DAMN, I just get the chills from thinking about that cute face puckered up for the next swing.

Words from the Peace Pipe:
Just say, “No!” to Drugs. However if you’re not the one buying then, “Yes please, now give me some more.”

October 4, 2003

Pirates that don't say Arrr

--Posted by Crimson Wake @ 14:57 PST.

Chongolongo… was that a flying monkey?!

Man whatever happened to the cartoons of old. You know G.I Joe, Gobots, Transformers, and the like. That was quality programming back in my day. Everyday I’d come home from school and plop my fat ass in front of the tube and watch my cartoons. Then there was the special treat of Saturdays when they have the entire morning filled with the stuff. Man, I remember watching Pirates of Darkwater and waking up early to catch the reruns. However, as with all American cartoons it came to an abrupt stop, there was no conclusion, when the ratings where down they just yanked it. That was one of my favorite cartoons during my childhood. The sad part was that Pirates of Darkwater had a great story line and it was set up to have a great conclusion if only they decided to finish it.

After some brief research I have come to the conclusion that the show was only pulled off the air because Americans just hate pirate themed stuff. If you look at all the movies that were remotely related to pirate stories, they rarely made any money in the entertainment arena. Pirates of Darkwater got shafted man, only after 21 episodes, all of which were great, it was pulled off the air. Fans of the show never got to see if Ren and his crew ever found the thirteen jewels that would defeat the plague of Darkwater and save the world. Darkwater was this black tar like organism that began to engulf the world.

Man, the show was awesome. I had like this thing for the magic wielding chick man, she was all dressed all skimpy and look so freaking exotic. Look at what happens when you spend way too much time in front of the TV, you start fantasizing about cartoon characters. Anyways there’s a flying monkey that talked and this total badass pirate named Ioz. Ioz said totally badass pirate stuff like Chongolongo, and he made fun of all the other characters.

So on a scale 10 to 1 of awesomeness: 10 being completely fucking awesome and 1 being bum fuck crap; I give this show 8/10. I only lowered the score because of those no-good producers that decided to yank the show in mid-plot. What the hell, were the producers thinking of when they decided to do that? Were they possibly smoking crack or high off the indo?

Words of Wisdom:
When you start something, you better the hell finish it… otherwise it’s gonna come back and kick the crap out of you when you’re not looking.

September 27, 2003

Wacky World of Sports: Curling

--Posted by Crimson Wake @ 09:39 PST.

Today we will look at the wacky world of sports. Here we will cover sports that people don’t notice or care about. Yes, there’s a whole world out there and I’m here to cover these competitive events, or at least familiarize your lazy asses about them. I’m doing all this so you can look cool while talking about curling or badminton. Damn, you Americans and your limited sports coverage. Where the hell is the coverage on lumberjacking competitions or turkey bowling contests? Man, when will you ever learn that there’s more to sports than football or baseball? So, here I am filling you all in on some great sports that apparently no one cares the fuck about.

Curling is a sport retard, not a way to pump iron.

The world of curling had the largest upset when the American curling team wrested victory from hands of the previously thought unbeatable Canadian team. As the Canadians cry for their fallen champions, the Americans as typical had muted celebrations for one day and promptly forgot the competition. Curling is a serious sport folks; it’s an art form on the ice. Where else do you get four middle-aged women on ice pushing 44lb stones down a 27 feet long lane? I get hot just thinking about it.

The rules of the game are simple enough; try to get closer to the center of the target than the opposing team. Both teams take turns for 10 innings trying to out score the other team. This is where strategy comes into play, you can knock the opponents stones out of the way to gain a position closer to center. The only way this can be accomplished is by the targeting of the skip (the team captain that aligns the shot); she decides where the lead (the person who releases the stone) should send the stone on the course. Then the sweepers brush the surface of the ice ahead of the stone to insure it heads along the charted course.

The only thing that I could think of that would improve this game is skintight outfits. Yeah, dress them up in speed skater outfits and they’ll get the media coverage that they deserve. Of course getting younger women to participate would help too.

Words of Encouragement:
Gold is only one crowbar away. If you beat up your opponent the night before you’ll be a shoe in. Just don’t get caught like Tonya Harding.

September 17, 2003

Goodbye Old Friend

--Posted by Crimson Wake @ 21:35 PST.

Greetings all, I’m Crimson Wake and I’m here to comment on everything T.V. That is anything and everything that is on television will be free game in my section of LU. Yup, I sit on my fat ass all day to watch the tube, basically, Riposte and the other assholes that work on the site continually bugged me about contributing and now I have found my freakin’ calling in this so called life. I learned that I’m a C.C.P. (Chronic Couch Potato), you know someone who sits in front of the TV and zones out. Anyways, I am here to keep you filled in on my channel surfing adventures, I may cover sporting events, sitcoms, and cartoons; a heck of a slew of mindless programming.

Seeing to how I’m new on the block and the recent passing of John Ritter (A.K.A Jack Tripper) has got me all depressed, I dedicate my first piece to that great legend. He was a great character in Three’s Company. Come on, who the hell wouldn’t want to be him? Man, living with two hot chicks at that time. You got Suzanne Summers, and that Latin chick as roommates. You know if I lived in that apartment I would have holes drilled everywhere, the shower, their bedroom, and uh… I would probably try hitting on them all the damn time. You get a threesome or something, you know the seventies and sixties were swinger times and that’s what I would have been man, a freaking swinger. Then later on during the show they brought on another hot chick, I don’t remember their names, because that’s unimportant. John Ritter had it good on that show man, too bad the guy’s dead, I’m sure he would have a bunch of stories to tell about what happened behind the scenes, like the swinger’s parties or something.

Words of Wisdom:
When you have two freaking hot ass girl roommates one word comes to mind, Threesome.